Monday, January 7, 2013


2013 begins and it was a rough start. Since August and my last post, I have taken steps forward and then many, many steps back. Life is like that. Just when I think I am doing ok, another knock down. Yet I pick myself up again and again. And I am reminded: No one said this was going be easy.

I am still not divorced. It may finally be done by February/March. It is amazing how long this process takes. I lived with the ongoing verbal and emotional abuse through December when the not-soon-enough ex-husband moved out. We are able to have the kids 50/ is hard to be without my girls 50% of the time. But I am lucky as I see them almost everyday anyway when I pick them up from their dad's place for school.

My heart is broken again. The person I am in love with has this amazing way of working himself into my life, making promises he can't keep and then destroying me by leaving again. I know that I have allowed this to happen, as I want to believe in love and that there has been a purpose to all this angst.
I am realizing that the purpose is for me to LOVE MYSELF.
Today I read this:
And I know that even as I throw myself into work, keeping my house clean, helping my kids adjust to this new life, that I must forgive and love myself first.
Then I read this:

My word is: STRENGTH.
I knew immediately that this is my 2013 word. I knew yesterday as I ran on my treadmill and this morning as I woke up, that I was feeling much stronger than I have in months.  I know the STRENGTH I will need now. And the strength I want to gain. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Having the strength to say no, and to say yes. Having the strength to find the goodness and be kind. Especially to myself. The strength to be the best mom I can be.
I am going to to get my custom button for this site and for this year from:

I am going to look back on 2012 and take note of all the negative moments, but then recognize the goodness that has come from those awful times.

What is your word for this year??


Friday, August 10, 2012

Mouth Shut

My sister gave me this beautiful journal to write in when my life was spiraling out of control. (BTW, my life is still spiraling...) My therapist told me the importance of journaling.  I have a lot to write and all the thoughts I want to get out fly through my head....especially when I am at work between midnight and 6 AM. My mind is very busy. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, don't cry, how to get someone out of my life, how to forgive, don't cry, how much I love my children, how much anger can one have before it boils over??  Don't cry.
Here's my issue: my (not-soon-enough-ex) husband violated my privacy earlier this year by reading all my journals...Yep. Every journal I ever wrote since I was about 13 years old. That's a ton of emotions and angst when I was younger. Most of it very private thoughts never meant to be shared with anyone. And now he finds ways to throw daggers at me via words written in my journals.
I want to write in my new journal. I really want to. I know how much it will help to work through the sadness and loss, the anger I feel towards him and the other people that affected my life so greatly. I want to write about the positive moments as well. The laughter I share with my children. I want to write out those horrible things that I concoct in my brain so they go away. I want to plan my future. I need to do this because I know how much it will help.
But my mouth is shut and my hand won't write. Sometimes it is because when I open the journal, all those thoughts fly away and I think. "What was it that was so important to write in here?" I can't seem to find the words I want.
I also don't write in it because I am afraid I will leave that journal somewhere and HE will read it and his abuse can go to a new place.
My mouth is shut: this is because I am doing my best to not be pulled into his game. He says something inflammatory, sends a nasty text, throws a nasty glare my way. I keep my mouth shut. This is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have done that for years, so it seems it shouldn't be that hard. But when I finally made the huge decision to end my marriage, I believed I could finally use my voice. I never anticipated the abuse that would escalate and force me to shut my mouth one more time.
This article screamed loudly at me:
I want to open my mouth and fight and this article explains exactly why "I can handle it".
I know I want to handle it differently. I am hoping after a court session this coming week, I will finally get to voice what I want.

Staying strong,

Monday, August 6, 2012

Who wants a car?

Working in the rural areas as a police officer leads to many fun moments: we have the ridiculous calls of cows in the road, and fellow deputies mooing over the radio. We respond to cars hitting deer almost every shift. And we often have the silliness of being called to garbage cans in the roadway. Seriously people, do not call the po-po to move garbage cans out of the road. Be a good neighbor and move them out of the kindness of your heart. I do this this even when I am not working.

Last night, I am dispatched to a "premises check". A family in this rural asked that we check their residence between 6pm and midnight as they would be at their daughters wedding. They tell us no one should be there. I wonder as I answer my dispatchers that I would respond, who do these people know up top that they expect us to check their house for a 6 hour span of time? And what if I actually have a "real" know...a domestic, robbery, burglary, assault...?
I get to this residence and there are 2 vehicles in the driveway. After a quick DMV check, the cars belong there. I walk to the residence and hear a dog growling at me, from inside the house...thank goodness. I check the door and hey! Surprise! It's UNLOCKED. I am able to enter the residence. I laugh out loud and think to myself, "country people". I check the rest of the house and all appears in order. I go back to my car and advise radio via computer message that it would be helpful if these people would have locked their doors, if they are so worried about being away for 6 hours. I then send another message stating I bet they also left their keys in the ignition of the cars too.
BINGO!!!! Both cars. Keys in ignition!
WHO WANTS A CAR????!!!!!
HAHAHA...Love this job.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Breaking Down

My mother says to me,"I don't know how you are staying so strong, holding up through all of this." I shrugged my shoulders and said Good Night.
That was Monday evening, the second night my one daughter and I spent at my mom's to try get some reprieve from my life. My other daughter was on a vacation out of the States.
I found that the soon to be ex was becoming more angry and more verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, and it was becoming intense enough that the effect on my youngest was too much.
I sought help from the courts after another report was filed while at my mother's home. As a police officer, policy requires I notify my Professional Standards Division when these reports are completed...embarrassing and stressful. These types of incidents are taken very seriously when an officer is involved, even as a victim.
By Tuesday, I was breaking down. I had few words with the soon to be ex, but he made it clear that he called the police in our town to try to make reports about me(hours after he was served with court paperwork)...then he took our daughter golfing.
I sank to the floor and cried...he was  now going after my livelihood. I got ready for work and drove in, talking to my sister and the time I walked into my station, I had broken down..crying, shaking, unable to work...
I had told only 1 of my coworkers about what was occurring in my life. But not even my partners in my district knew what was going on.
What happened next blew my mind: 2 of my coworkers called the Sergeant for me to put me in the sick book, then sat down with me...for the next hour, and talked with me: expressing their concern as they had never seen me like this, calming me down, reminding me about my options and to go to my mom's and be sleep, rest, and then plan the next step.
My partners, these 2 men....I cannot thank  them enough for being there...for not judging and being my family.
I police officers,we aren't supposed to break down. We use humor to deflect our pain, sadness, grief.
This time it was too much and I needed exactly what my partners gave me: support, a kind ear and heart and the knowledge that they had my back and cared.
I am very lucky to have a good family and good coworkers
Thank you for having my back when I was down.
Now it is time to rebuild some of that strength.

Running again,

Friday, July 13, 2012

Future Forecast

I had begun my 40th year with big and lofty goals. But as we know, life has it's own plans for us. Between my marriage dissolving, stress fracture in my tibia,  and love ending, I have decided my NEW and IMPROVED Future Forecast will be much more interesting: (these are not listed in any specific order):
Goal 1- Begin the 7 week program for returning to running after a stress fracture.
Goal 2- Complete a 5k at or near the end of the 7 weeks.
Goal 3- Cross train with bike, swimming and P90X.
Goal 4- Get off this antidepressant(hopefully with the help of 1,2,&3) Sunny skies ahead! Though I must say that this medicine did help me when life was really dark.
Goal 5- Really get this divorce in motion. I know I cannot take living this way much l longer even though he continues to hope for reconciliation(amidst his verbal and emotional jabs and lack of cooperation) It was May 29th when I said I wanted a divorce...and still no progress. I was hoping for mediation.
Goal 6- Strive to make this divorce kind and simple. But not sell myself short.
Goal 7- Love my children(which I do like crazy!!) and help ease them through this transition.
Goal 8 - Learn to live on my own(well..with my kids too)...something I have never done in my life.
Goal 9- Finally be me...I have never not been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. And I married at 22. I truly believe I was living a life expected of me by others and now it's time for me to find me..who I really am.
Goal 10- Seek the joy and laughter that comes from being my own person. Love me.

I know this year I had plans for getting a Master's degree in Criminal Justice along with some other goals. Instead I am getting a degree in life. This is most important and I look forward, not back, to what my life may  bring.

My Future Forecast is looking quite sunny!

Running strong,

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Reality Bites

My last post was about ending my marriage and starting anew. And I boasted about being strong and heading towards happiness. It's amazing how quickly that bubble can be burst...
Reality bites. 
I had plans for this future of mine. It included my children, someone I love, his children and all that our history would bring together..and then reality bit.
This someone I loved, really didn't love me. And damn, that hurt. It made me question everything about me, about my ability to trust others and who I am. It really was a kick in the balls, to put it mildly..
I am here a week later and know that I am stronger than ever. I have suffered 2 major heartbreaks in the last few months, a never expected amount of verbal and emotional abuse, and made a life changing decision. And there is a lot more to come: divorce....

Now, as I sit here, at 3am, contemplating my next move, I remind myself:
I am a strong woman.
I will focus on taking care of me and my beautiful daughters.
I will find a way to manage the negativity that comes my way...because there are times now when I feel myself ready to explode(when the future ex starts the nasty comments, or seeing pictures of the other man, realizing how quickly he moved on or that he is smoking again, gross...and with those 2 pieces of information realizing I really didn't know him at all.) And I realize that the negative energy is something I can use positively toward my future.
I am going to survive and be even more beautiful, more strong and more brave. (And the title for my blog is the ONLY thing one of those men gave me. He does not get credit however, as I was already beautiful, strong and brave.)
I will not always be serious in this blog. :)
I will be independent.
I will dream big.
I will have an amazing life.
I will be happy.
I will smile and laugh.
I will love me.
I am me.

And because music speaks: 2 songs for the 2 men:

And 1 song for me!!! -

And I sit here now, at the end of this post, Smiling. because  I am...
....a fighter!!!


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Being Strong

I never thought there would be a day that I would experience and know the fear, the cycle and the way a victim can move on and almost forget the violence inflicted. The only way I can describe it is like the pain of so quickly is forgotten. Yet it sits under the surface and often hits you in the gut with such force and you think, "How could this have happened to me?" and for me it is "How could this  happen to me, a police officer, an officer who worked domestic violence cases for 7 years?"
And I am told that it is my fault, I created the monster in my home. My actions made his actions allowable.
There is a lot of background to this life, 20 years worth. I can tell you it had never been violent before, we shared our ups and downs and created a good life with 2 smart and amazing daughters.
Something was missing. And I found it with someone.
We tried counseling...and I knew that I had changed, this life had changed and it was time.
That day occurred the night before I was ready to end my marriage. It was a scary night. The next day, I paced my home trying to decide to report the incident to police(officers I know). Me, the one in law enforcement, and I questioned whether or not to call. I know the system and yet was fearful to call for help. I know now what victims struggle with...I imagine what it must be like to live with that day in and day out. And the hardest part? I am living with  it.

I am trying to BE STRONG. I need to be strong for my daughters who are experiencing the worst moment of their lives: their parents divorcing and the tension and arguments that ensue. I am making sure that they know their parents love them more than anything in this world. That I will be here no matter what happens in this life. That they can come to me and talk.

I am BEING STRONG for me. I have many moments that the comments and jabs thrown my way become overwhelming. And I cry.
But I know for sure that after that day, I AM STRONG.
I made the hardest decision of my life, to end something and begin anew. Knowing the struggle that lies ahead but knowing that what waits for me is love, peace, laughter and happiness. And a chance to be me. Beautiful, Strong and Brave me.

Stay strong,