I never thought there would be a day that I would experience and know the fear, the cycle and the way a victim can move on and almost forget the violence inflicted. The only way I can describe it is like the pain of childbirth....it so quickly is forgotten. Yet it sits under the surface and often hits you in the gut with such force and you think, "How could this have happened to me?" and for me it is "How could this happen to me, a police officer, an officer who worked domestic violence cases for 7 years?"
And I am told that it is my fault, I created the monster in my home. My actions made his actions allowable.
There is a lot of background to this life, 20 years worth. I can tell you it had never been violent before, we shared our ups and downs and created a good life with 2 smart and amazing daughters.
Something was missing. And I found it with someone.
We tried counseling...and I knew that I had changed, this life had changed and it was time.
That day occurred the night before I was ready to end my marriage. It was a scary night. The next day, I paced my home trying to decide to report the incident to police(officers I know). Me, the one in law enforcement, and I questioned whether or not to call. I know the system and yet was fearful to call for help. I know now what victims struggle with...I imagine what it must be like to live with that day in and day out. And the hardest part? I am living with it.
I am trying to BE STRONG. I need to be strong for my daughters who are experiencing the worst moment of their lives: their parents divorcing and the tension and arguments that ensue. I am making sure that they know their parents love them more than anything in this world. That I will be here no matter what happens in this life. That they can come to me and talk.
I am BEING STRONG for me. I have many moments that the comments and jabs thrown my way become overwhelming. And I cry.
But I know for sure that after that day, I AM STRONG.
I made the hardest decision of my life, to end something and begin anew. Knowing the struggle that lies ahead but knowing that what waits for me is love, peace, laughter and happiness. And a chance to be me. Beautiful, Strong and Brave me.
Stay strong,
Amy
