Mouth Shut

My sister gave me this beautiful journal to write in when my life was spiraling out of control. (BTW, my life is still spiraling...) My therapist told me the importance of journaling.  I have a lot to write and all the thoughts I want to get out fly through my head....especially when I am at work between midnight and 6 AM. My mind is very busy. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, don't cry, how to get someone out of my life, how to forgive, don't cry, how much I love my children, how much anger can one have before it boils over??  Don't cry.
Here's my issue: my (not-soon-enough-ex) husband violated my privacy earlier this year by reading all my journals...Yep. Every journal I ever wrote since I was about 13 years old. That's a ton of emotions and angst when I was younger. Most of it very private thoughts never meant to be shared with anyone. And now he finds ways to throw daggers at me via words written in my journals.
I want to write in my new journal. I really want to. I know how much it will help to work through the sadness and loss, the anger I feel towards him and the other people that affected my life so greatly. I want to write about the positive moments as well. The laughter I share with my children. I want to write out those horrible things that I concoct in my brain so they go away. I want to plan my future. I need to do this because I know how much it will help.
But my mouth is shut and my hand won't write. Sometimes it is because when I open the journal, all those thoughts fly away and I think. "What was it that was so important to write in here?" I can't seem to find the words I want.
I also don't write in it because I am afraid I will leave that journal somewhere and HE will read it and his abuse can go to a new place.
My mouth is shut: this is because I am doing my best to not be pulled into his game. He says something inflammatory, sends a nasty text, throws a nasty glare my way. I keep my mouth shut. This is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have done that for years, so it seems it shouldn't be that hard. But when I finally made the huge decision to end my marriage, I believed I could finally use my voice. I never anticipated the abuse that would escalate and force me to shut my mouth one more time.
This article screamed loudly at me: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/08/i-can-handle-it-on-relationship-violence-independence-and-capability/
I want to open my mouth and fight and this article explains exactly why "I can handle it".
I know I want to handle it differently. I am hoping after a court session this coming week, I will finally get to voice what I want.

Staying strong,
Amy

Who wants a car?

Working in the rural areas as a police officer leads to many fun moments: we have the ridiculous calls of cows in the road, and fellow deputies mooing over the radio. We respond to cars hitting deer almost every shift. And we often have the silliness of being called to garbage cans in the roadway. Seriously people, do not call the po-po to move garbage cans out of the road. Be a good neighbor and move them out of the kindness of your heart. I do this this even when I am not working.

Last night, I am dispatched to a "premises check". A family in this rural asked that we check their residence between 6pm and midnight as they would be at their daughters wedding. They tell us no one should be there. I wonder as I answer my dispatchers that I would respond, who do these people know up top that they expect us to check their house for a 6 hour span of time? And what if I actually have a "real" call..you know...a domestic, robbery, burglary, assault...?
I get to this residence and there are 2 vehicles in the driveway. After a quick DMV check, the cars belong there. I walk to the residence and hear a dog growling at me, from inside the house...thank goodness. I check the door and hey! Surprise! It's UNLOCKED. I am able to enter the residence. I laugh out loud and think to myself, "country people". I check the rest of the house and all appears in order. I go back to my car and advise radio via computer message that it would be helpful if these people would have locked their doors, if they are so worried about being away for 6 hours. I then send another message stating I bet they also left their keys in the ignition of the cars too.
BINGO!!!! Both cars. Keys in ignition!
WHO WANTS A CAR????!!!!!
HAHAHA...Love this job.