Breaking Down

My mother says to me,"I don't know how you are staying so strong, holding up through all of this." I shrugged my shoulders and said Good Night.
That was Monday evening, the second night my one daughter and I spent at my mom's to try get some reprieve from my life. My other daughter was on a vacation out of the States.
I found that the soon to be ex was becoming more angry and more verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, and it was becoming intense enough that the effect on my youngest was too much.
I sought help from the courts after another report was filed while at my mother's home. As a police officer, policy requires I notify my Professional Standards Division when these reports are completed...embarrassing and stressful. These types of incidents are taken very seriously when an officer is involved, even as a victim.
By Tuesday, I was breaking down. I had few words with the soon to be ex, but he made it clear that he called the police in our town to try to make reports about me(hours after he was served with court paperwork)...then he took our daughter golfing.
I sank to the floor and cried...he was  now going after my livelihood. I got ready for work and drove in, talking to my sister and crying...by the time I walked into my station, I had broken down..crying, shaking, unable to work...
I had told only 1 of my coworkers about what was occurring in my life. But not even my partners in my district knew what was going on.
What happened next blew my mind: 2 of my coworkers called the Sergeant for me to put me in the sick book, then sat down with me...for the next hour, and talked with me: expressing their concern as they had never seen me like this, calming me down, reminding me about my options and to go to my mom's and be safe...to sleep, rest, and then plan the next step.
My partners, these 2 men....I cannot thank  them enough for being there...for not judging and being my family.
I know...as police officers,we aren't supposed to break down. We use humor to deflect our pain, sadness, grief.
This time it was too much and I needed exactly what my partners gave me: support, a kind ear and heart and the knowledge that they had my back and cared.
I am very lucky to have a good family and good coworkers
Thank you for having my back when I was down.
Now it is time to rebuild some of that strength.

Running again,
Amy

Future Forecast

I had begun my 40th year with big and lofty goals. But as we know, life has it's own plans for us. Between my marriage dissolving, stress fracture in my tibia,  and love ending, I have decided my NEW and IMPROVED Future Forecast will be much more interesting: (these are not listed in any specific order):
Goal 1- Begin the 7 week program for returning to running after a stress fracture.
Goal 2- Complete a 5k at or near the end of the 7 weeks.
Goal 3- Cross train with bike, swimming and P90X.
Goal 4- Get off this antidepressant(hopefully with the help of 1,2,&3) Sunny skies ahead! Though I must say that this medicine did help me when life was really dark.
Goal 5- Really get this divorce in motion. I know I cannot take living this way much l longer even though he continues to hope for reconciliation(amidst his verbal and emotional jabs and lack of cooperation) It was May 29th when I said I wanted a divorce...and still no progress. I was hoping for mediation.
Goal 6- Strive to make this divorce kind and simple. But not sell myself short.
Goal 7- Love my children(which I do like crazy!!) and help ease them through this transition.
Goal 8 - Learn to live on my own(well..with my kids too)...something I have never done in my life.
Goal 9- Finally be me...I have never not been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. And I married at 22. I truly believe I was living a life expected of me by others and now it's time for me to find me..who I really am.
Goal 10- Seek the joy and laughter that comes from being my own person. Love me.

I know this year I had plans for getting a Master's degree in Criminal Justice along with some other goals. Instead I am getting a degree in life. This is most important and I look forward, not back, to what my life may  bring.

My Future Forecast is looking quite sunny!

Running strong,
Amy

Reality Bites

My last post was about ending my marriage and starting anew. And I boasted about being strong and heading towards happiness. It's amazing how quickly that bubble can be burst...
Reality bites. 
I had plans for this future of mine. It included my children, someone I love, his children and all that our history would bring together..and then reality bit.
This someone I loved, really didn't love me. And damn, that hurt. It made me question everything about me, about my ability to trust others and who I am. It really was a kick in the balls, to put it mildly..
I am here a week later and know that I am stronger than ever. I have suffered 2 major heartbreaks in the last few months, a never expected amount of verbal and emotional abuse, and made a life changing decision. And there is a lot more to come: divorce....

Now, as I sit here, at 3am, contemplating my next move, I remind myself:
I am a strong woman.
I will focus on taking care of me and my beautiful daughters.
I will find a way to manage the negativity that comes my way...because there are times now when I feel myself ready to explode(when the future ex starts the nasty comments, or seeing pictures of the other man, realizing how quickly he moved on or that he is smoking again, gross...and with those 2 pieces of information realizing I really didn't know him at all.) And I realize that the negative energy is something I can use positively toward my future.
I am going to survive and be even more beautiful, more strong and more brave. (And the title for my blog is the ONLY thing one of those men gave me. He does not get credit however, as I was already beautiful, strong and brave.)
I will not always be serious in this blog. :)
I will be independent.
I will dream big.
I will have an amazing life.
I will be happy.
I will smile and laugh.
I will love me.
I am me.

And because music speaks: 2 songs for the 2 men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk

And 1 song for me!!! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxV-OOIamyk

And I sit here now, at the end of this post, Smiling. because  I am...
....a fighter!!!

Amy