Mouth Shut

My sister gave me this beautiful journal to write in when my life was spiraling out of control. (BTW, my life is still spiraling...) My therapist told me the importance of journaling.  I have a lot to write and all the thoughts I want to get out fly through my head....especially when I am at work between midnight and 6 AM. My mind is very busy. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, don't cry, how to get someone out of my life, how to forgive, don't cry, how much I love my children, how much anger can one have before it boils over??  Don't cry.
Here's my issue: my (not-soon-enough-ex) husband violated my privacy earlier this year by reading all my journals...Yep. Every journal I ever wrote since I was about 13 years old. That's a ton of emotions and angst when I was younger. Most of it very private thoughts never meant to be shared with anyone. And now he finds ways to throw daggers at me via words written in my journals.
I want to write in my new journal. I really want to. I know how much it will help to work through the sadness and loss, the anger I feel towards him and the other people that affected my life so greatly. I want to write about the positive moments as well. The laughter I share with my children. I want to write out those horrible things that I concoct in my brain so they go away. I want to plan my future. I need to do this because I know how much it will help.
But my mouth is shut and my hand won't write. Sometimes it is because when I open the journal, all those thoughts fly away and I think. "What was it that was so important to write in here?" I can't seem to find the words I want.
I also don't write in it because I am afraid I will leave that journal somewhere and HE will read it and his abuse can go to a new place.
My mouth is shut: this is because I am doing my best to not be pulled into his game. He says something inflammatory, sends a nasty text, throws a nasty glare my way. I keep my mouth shut. This is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have done that for years, so it seems it shouldn't be that hard. But when I finally made the huge decision to end my marriage, I believed I could finally use my voice. I never anticipated the abuse that would escalate and force me to shut my mouth one more time.
This article screamed loudly at me: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/08/i-can-handle-it-on-relationship-violence-independence-and-capability/
I want to open my mouth and fight and this article explains exactly why "I can handle it".
I know I want to handle it differently. I am hoping after a court session this coming week, I will finally get to voice what I want.

Staying strong,
Amy

Who wants a car?

Working in the rural areas as a police officer leads to many fun moments: we have the ridiculous calls of cows in the road, and fellow deputies mooing over the radio. We respond to cars hitting deer almost every shift. And we often have the silliness of being called to garbage cans in the roadway. Seriously people, do not call the po-po to move garbage cans out of the road. Be a good neighbor and move them out of the kindness of your heart. I do this this even when I am not working.

Last night, I am dispatched to a "premises check". A family in this rural asked that we check their residence between 6pm and midnight as they would be at their daughters wedding. They tell us no one should be there. I wonder as I answer my dispatchers that I would respond, who do these people know up top that they expect us to check their house for a 6 hour span of time? And what if I actually have a "real" call..you know...a domestic, robbery, burglary, assault...?
I get to this residence and there are 2 vehicles in the driveway. After a quick DMV check, the cars belong there. I walk to the residence and hear a dog growling at me, from inside the house...thank goodness. I check the door and hey! Surprise! It's UNLOCKED. I am able to enter the residence. I laugh out loud and think to myself, "country people". I check the rest of the house and all appears in order. I go back to my car and advise radio via computer message that it would be helpful if these people would have locked their doors, if they are so worried about being away for 6 hours. I then send another message stating I bet they also left their keys in the ignition of the cars too.
BINGO!!!! Both cars. Keys in ignition!
WHO WANTS A CAR????!!!!!
HAHAHA...Love this job.

Breaking Down

My mother says to me,"I don't know how you are staying so strong, holding up through all of this." I shrugged my shoulders and said Good Night.
That was Monday evening, the second night my one daughter and I spent at my mom's to try get some reprieve from my life. My other daughter was on a vacation out of the States.
I found that the soon to be ex was becoming more angry and more verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, and it was becoming intense enough that the effect on my youngest was too much.
I sought help from the courts after another report was filed while at my mother's home. As a police officer, policy requires I notify my Professional Standards Division when these reports are completed...embarrassing and stressful. These types of incidents are taken very seriously when an officer is involved, even as a victim.
By Tuesday, I was breaking down. I had few words with the soon to be ex, but he made it clear that he called the police in our town to try to make reports about me(hours after he was served with court paperwork)...then he took our daughter golfing.
I sank to the floor and cried...he was  now going after my livelihood. I got ready for work and drove in, talking to my sister and crying...by the time I walked into my station, I had broken down..crying, shaking, unable to work...
I had told only 1 of my coworkers about what was occurring in my life. But not even my partners in my district knew what was going on.
What happened next blew my mind: 2 of my coworkers called the Sergeant for me to put me in the sick book, then sat down with me...for the next hour, and talked with me: expressing their concern as they had never seen me like this, calming me down, reminding me about my options and to go to my mom's and be safe...to sleep, rest, and then plan the next step.
My partners, these 2 men....I cannot thank  them enough for being there...for not judging and being my family.
I know...as police officers,we aren't supposed to break down. We use humor to deflect our pain, sadness, grief.
This time it was too much and I needed exactly what my partners gave me: support, a kind ear and heart and the knowledge that they had my back and cared.
I am very lucky to have a good family and good coworkers
Thank you for having my back when I was down.
Now it is time to rebuild some of that strength.

Running again,
Amy

Future Forecast

I had begun my 40th year with big and lofty goals. But as we know, life has it's own plans for us. Between my marriage dissolving, stress fracture in my tibia,  and love ending, I have decided my NEW and IMPROVED Future Forecast will be much more interesting: (these are not listed in any specific order):
Goal 1- Begin the 7 week program for returning to running after a stress fracture.
Goal 2- Complete a 5k at or near the end of the 7 weeks.
Goal 3- Cross train with bike, swimming and P90X.
Goal 4- Get off this antidepressant(hopefully with the help of 1,2,&3) Sunny skies ahead! Though I must say that this medicine did help me when life was really dark.
Goal 5- Really get this divorce in motion. I know I cannot take living this way much l longer even though he continues to hope for reconciliation(amidst his verbal and emotional jabs and lack of cooperation) It was May 29th when I said I wanted a divorce...and still no progress. I was hoping for mediation.
Goal 6- Strive to make this divorce kind and simple. But not sell myself short.
Goal 7- Love my children(which I do like crazy!!) and help ease them through this transition.
Goal 8 - Learn to live on my own(well..with my kids too)...something I have never done in my life.
Goal 9- Finally be me...I have never not been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. And I married at 22. I truly believe I was living a life expected of me by others and now it's time for me to find me..who I really am.
Goal 10- Seek the joy and laughter that comes from being my own person. Love me.

I know this year I had plans for getting a Master's degree in Criminal Justice along with some other goals. Instead I am getting a degree in life. This is most important and I look forward, not back, to what my life may  bring.

My Future Forecast is looking quite sunny!

Running strong,
Amy

Reality Bites

My last post was about ending my marriage and starting anew. And I boasted about being strong and heading towards happiness. It's amazing how quickly that bubble can be burst...
Reality bites. 
I had plans for this future of mine. It included my children, someone I love, his children and all that our history would bring together..and then reality bit.
This someone I loved, really didn't love me. And damn, that hurt. It made me question everything about me, about my ability to trust others and who I am. It really was a kick in the balls, to put it mildly..
I am here a week later and know that I am stronger than ever. I have suffered 2 major heartbreaks in the last few months, a never expected amount of verbal and emotional abuse, and made a life changing decision. And there is a lot more to come: divorce....

Now, as I sit here, at 3am, contemplating my next move, I remind myself:
I am a strong woman.
I will focus on taking care of me and my beautiful daughters.
I will find a way to manage the negativity that comes my way...because there are times now when I feel myself ready to explode(when the future ex starts the nasty comments, or seeing pictures of the other man, realizing how quickly he moved on or that he is smoking again, gross...and with those 2 pieces of information realizing I really didn't know him at all.) And I realize that the negative energy is something I can use positively toward my future.
I am going to survive and be even more beautiful, more strong and more brave. (And the title for my blog is the ONLY thing one of those men gave me. He does not get credit however, as I was already beautiful, strong and brave.)
I will not always be serious in this blog. :)
I will be independent.
I will dream big.
I will have an amazing life.
I will be happy.
I will smile and laugh.
I will love me.
I am me.

And because music speaks: 2 songs for the 2 men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk

And 1 song for me!!! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxV-OOIamyk

And I sit here now, at the end of this post, Smiling. because  I am...
....a fighter!!!

Amy

Being Strong

I never thought there would be a day that I would experience and know the fear, the cycle and the way a victim can move on and almost forget the violence inflicted. The only way I can describe it is like the pain of childbirth....it so quickly is forgotten. Yet it sits under the surface and often hits you in the gut with such force and you think, "How could this have happened to me?" and for me it is "How could this  happen to me, a police officer, an officer who worked domestic violence cases for 7 years?"
And I am told that it is my fault, I created the monster in my home. My actions made his actions allowable.
There is a lot of background to this life, 20 years worth. I can tell you it had never been violent before, we shared our ups and downs and created a good life with 2 smart and amazing daughters.
Something was missing. And I found it with someone.
We tried counseling...and I knew that I had changed, this life had changed and it was time.
That day occurred the night before I was ready to end my marriage. It was a scary night. The next day, I paced my home trying to decide to report the incident to police(officers I know). Me, the one in law enforcement, and I questioned whether or not to call. I know the system and yet was fearful to call for help. I know now what victims struggle with...I imagine what it must be like to live with that day in and day out. And the hardest part? I am living with  it.

I am trying to BE STRONG. I need to be strong for my daughters who are experiencing the worst moment of their lives: their parents divorcing and the tension and arguments that ensue. I am making sure that they know their parents love them more than anything in this world. That I will be here no matter what happens in this life. That they can come to me and talk.

I am BEING STRONG for me. I have many moments that the comments and jabs thrown my way become overwhelming. And I cry.
But I know for sure that after that day, I AM STRONG.
I made the hardest decision of my life, to end something and begin anew. Knowing the struggle that lies ahead but knowing that what waits for me is love, peace, laughter and happiness. And a chance to be me. Beautiful, Strong and Brave me.

Stay strong,
Amy

Run Like A Girl

I am a runner. I love to run...ask anyone. I ran my first half marathon last September in Virginia Beach and it was amazing. This year, I had plans to run at least 12 races, 1 per month, with 2 half marathons thrown in for good measure. You know, 1 last year, 2 this year...

Then life does it's thing: stress fracture in my left tibia. And killer hip pain on the right. I finally saw the ortho and the hip can be fixed with physical therapy. The stress fracture?? KILL ME NOW..no running for at least the next 7 weeks, and I haven't run (Ok, I did once about 3 weeks ago...but it was only 2 miles, I swear!) for the past 6 weeks. The ortho tells me there hasn't been sufficient bone growth so far and he'd prefer me on crutches...that's not happening! He did ok me for biking, so today I did that for this first time..I am feeling achiness in the calf...hoping it's only the muscle.

I have been reading a wonderful book, "Run Like A Girl", by Mina Samuels. This has been very good for me, so I will steal some knowledge and advice and pass it on:

"Running has given me freedom and strength" - this is how I feel every time I lace up my sneakers.

"Our running shoes have magic in them - the power to transform a bad day into a good day, self-doubt into confidence.." - Amen.

"We forget that happiness and suffering are states of mind." - I walked out the ortho's office and cried. Then I talked with friends and 2 things happened. I realized that there is a way to still get my workout and not wallow about the lack of running, as I will be coming back healthy and will run again. And that first run, if it's 7 weeks from now or 6 months is going to rock my world. AND, more importantly, I realized that my fracture is NOTHING compared to what other people in my life are experiencing and I decided to focus on them...this isn't all about me.

Here's to getting more calcium and the positive thinking that will help my body heal!
Cheers!

Be Strong,
Amy

I Love Being a Mom

I have waited 16 years for this: "You are ruining my life!!!!!!" The stomping up the stairs, the door slamming and the endless sobbing from her bedroom.
Yes, I have 2 daughters...and no, it's not my 16 year old acting this way, it's my 13 year old. And I have ruined her life.
And here I thought I was going to skate free on the drama of having 2 daughters....ah....God(or insert higher power) has his plan I suppose..And I can recall the years of hating my mother and how she ruined my life. I can only hope that my beautiful girl understands why I ruined her life this weekend. And that she understands I will not ruin it forever...I am doing my best, youngest daughter. I Love You.

Be Strong,
Amy

A Woman "On the Job"

As a woman in law enforcement, I have experienced men who think women should not be "on the job". I can honestly say the majority of my co-workers are great to work with, they back me up on all calls and we have a great time each shift, finding the fun only this job can bring us. Only a few have ever voiced that women shouldn't be police officers or made gender specific derogatory remarks. A few have felt that due to my experience working with victims of Domestic Violence(prior as a civilian and also as a Deputy in our Domestic Violence Unit) made me lean towards the "women as victims" mentality. And this often lead to some very interesting discussions.
I firmly believe the majority of men today are growing up around women that have feminist views and believe we can succeed in any job. And this helps women entering the law enforcement field.
I have had 11 years on the job so far. I like to believe that I have proved to the men that I am more than capable on the job and I am good at it.

There is also a public perception about women in law enforcement. We are either lesbians or we are sleeping with all our co-workers. This is a tough road sometimes. Tonight I had a male prisoner in my backseat and I pulled up next to a fellow Deputy for a quick hello, as I haven't seen him in a while. As I pulled away, my prisoner said to me, "I don't mean to butt in, but you two seemed really 'friendly' with each other".  I explained to him that I had known this fellow Deputy for 11 years and we had gone to the police academy together. My prisoner said," Yeah, well, things can happen between coworkers". I could only shake my head because this is a public perception that I cannot beat..a judgement made on a simple hello and a short conversation about work.

I have realized that the stress of being a wife and mother and the pressure from the home front about the job is often worse than the stress of  being a woman on the job. This relates to being the sole woman in an all male platoon (I currently have a female Lieutenant but that has not always been the case). My platoon is made up of me and 12 men. This job brings me close to my partners and they do become my extended family. I am here for them, I will fiercely protect them and fight to the death for them. People in other professions do not understand how this works. Thus, this can cause a lot of stress at home.

Another part that causes stress at home is simply that I want a successful career. Law Enforcement is shift work. We work extra hours, extra shifts, extra details for the job and to succeed...and hopefully prove one day that we deserve a promotion. I have as a wife and  mother, often turned down many of these shifts and details, for my family...and there are times I believe this has not helped my career. And there are times, when life at home is not progressing well and I am told that my job means more to me than my family. The ongoing stress of trying to juggle being a working mom rears it's ugly head.

The part that our families: husbands, wives, and children do not understand is this: WE MAKE EVERY NIGHT'S GOAL TO COME HOME ALIVE. Anything can happen out here: a traffic stop gone bad, an accident, a domestic that is violent, or any other routine call can go bad in a  flash.
Maybe as police officers we don't express to our families enough that our purpose every shift is to make  it back home to them.. So to my family: know that when I put on the uniform, the gun belt and the vest, that I am thinking of you and my return home at 6am.

A woman's work is never done. This speaks the truth in my personal life and my professional life.
I do know that I was meant to be "on the job".  A job that is never done.

Be Brave,
Amy

Mother's Day

I've been called a lot of things in my life: and mother is one used in various ways at various times in my life...I was lucky enough to take a few vacation days this weekend and be a mother to my 2 beautiful daughters. Work was not the place for me this weekend.
I definitely didn't want to work Mother's Day and risk being called a motherf'er, which can happen when some person unhappy with their mother, or any other reason, decides that a police officer doing her job is the motherf'er.

I was able to spend this weekend watching them at their dance recital..both have danced since they were 3 years old and it rocks my world to see what graceful dancers they have become. I always cry at these...and this year was no different. They take my breath away.

I like my title of Mom at home..I realized recently that if there is one thing I have done right in this world, it was to have my two daughters..that being said, I pray that as they are closing in on adulthood that I have done enough. And that is what scares me as a mother: will I have been enough of a mom?Was I stable enough? Was I loving enough? Please tell me I didn't pass on my neuroses!

I spent time with my mom and the mom-in-law as well....I know I don't thank them enough for all they have given me...you know..like my life and genetically my children. I hope they know that I love them and I am grateful for all they do for me...all these years.

I am happy to not want to fall into the "Mommy Wars" that are occurring now. Especially with TIME Magazine. I must say that women must support each other, without judgement of the choices we make: be it work, staying home, how we feed our children, if we co-sleep or not...and all the other issues of parenthood.
We should be proud to be called Mothers and be there for each other as we grow into our Motherhood. Because we all know that we have grand ideas about raising our children and then you have them. And all those plans fly right out the window.

I love my children. My beautiful Nicole and Victoria...they light up my life. With them I know unconditional love and I will always be here for them.

Keep Running,
Amy

The 40th Year: Beginning

 I am a woman, a feminist who is a mom and a police officer, who loves working out and running...I have many roles each and every day. And each day I struggle like all moms to meet the demands of my job, my life, house, children and family. It has been the ultimate struggle.

This year I turned 40. Yeah. 4-0. And I had this list of all I wanted for my 40th year...lots of plans and exciting things: run a race every month including 2 half marathons, get a pixie cut(which I did), get a running tattoo(which I did: see above with a 13.1 on it too!)), maybe travel somewhere alone(without the husband and kids) and go back to college for my masters.

At the beginning of 2012, a wrench was thrown into all of that. One: my marriage began to unravel after 17 years. It's amazing how far apart 2 people can grow in 17 years of marriage. Raising 2 kids, busy jobs and overall forgetting who we each are as individuals and as a couple. Is this fixable? I don't know yet. It's being worked on, but there are no guarantees.

I then found out I have a stress fracture in my left lower leg and ongoing right hip pain...thus ruining my 12 races in 12 months plan...:(  The absolute stress reliever in my life: running, is not an option for some time. Waiting on the doctor for the actual prognosis.

My job: a deputy sheriff on road patrol. I love my job...so many reasons I became a police officer. The excitement, the desire to arrest the bad guys and put them in jail, the freedom of driving around the county, alone. And the ability as a police officer to make the right decisions whether it be on a domestic, a traffic stop or any routine call. I had hoped at this point in my career to be a detective. But so far, that has not happened. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I am going to be in that patrol car, with all  that gear on for the next 9 or more years and how that affects my body. I also work the night shift (6pm-6am), which is by choice. I like nights much better than days. This has been an issue on the homefront for 11 years. But the job itself: I love it. And wouldn't trade it for the world.

I hope to find my voice again here in this blog. It has been quiet for some time...I hope I can add some goodness to this world in this venue..

What I know right now as this year has continued down a very rough path is this: I will be beautiful, strong and brave.

Keep Running,
Amy